Ask the Experts

My teenaged daughter is involved with a known drug user who has had a devastating effect on her. I know that she doesn't do drugs due to very open dialogue and past conflicts regarding the boyfriend but I can't seem to give her enough information to come to the rational decision. She shows very classic examples of co-dependency and strives to "save him" while all the while giving up more and more of herself. He has been in trouble with the law on more than one occasion and his parents continue to bail him out. She is sure that he loves her, yet doesn't understand that she has given up her friends, her extracurriculars, and certain aspects of her family life in an effort to "love him back." What are the logical steps to recovery for a child who is in this state?

Dear Parent:

You have clearly analyzed your daughter's situation. It is true, being in relationship with a drug user will involve all of the elements you mention: 1) Co-dependency or putting the user's needs before her own; 2) Increased demand from the user for more attention ("love") and help ("saving"); 3) Isolation from non-using friends; 4) Decreased involvement in extracurricular activities.

Let's start with what IS working for the two of you.
Congratulations for having a very open dialogue with your daughter about drug use. Keep up the good work and continue that dialogue! In drug research nationwide, it is proven that there is a very high incidence of drug use among teens whose friends are using. Your worry was warranted! Congratulations also go to your daughter for not getting involved with drugs. She may be thinking that this is a sign of her maturity and good decision-making. It is. So far she is managing the drug aspect of the situation well.

What ISN'T working?
It sounds like you've been trying to change your child's ideas about her boyfriend. If that technique were going to work, you would have had success by now. So it's time for a different approach!

The first step towards recovery is to get your relationship back on track and to use your authority as a parent in a constructive way. Because she is not using drugs, you have a couple of options or "paths" to choose from. Which path you choose depends on the severity of your child's problem, and your own parenting comfort zone.