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Parent Column: Phase Three

Are You In Denial or Taking Action?

By Alison Birnbaum

The exciting result of a parent-to-parent forum is that novice parents can benefit from the hard-earned wisdom of parents who have been challenged by their children’s drug use. The latest submissions from the parents who have had a child succumb to addiction are enlightening. Thanks to all of you for having the courage to share your stories. Thanks also to the parents who are in the midst of a struggle with their child and are willing to share their thoughts with us.

For some of you, the struggle revolves around simply being suspicious and finding an appropriate and, more important, effective way to figure out whether your teen is using drugs. Parents who are wondering, afraid to ask, or simply “hoping for the best” are in Stage One of this process. The parents who recognize their teen’s drug use and are in the midst of battle with the substance, the behavior, the peer group, and their son or daughter are in Stage Two.

What was amazing to me as I read your entries is that no Stage Two parents say they wish they had been less suspicious, or less willing to actively stop their child from using. Not one of them expresses pride that they respected their child’s privacy. Instead, every parent in Stage Two expresses regret that they were not able to react more effectively, and that they did not do everything they could have in order to rescue their child from drug use. 
           
If we listen to Stage Two parents, the ones who are walking this difficult path, is it possible that they could guide Stage One parents out of denial and into action? It is true that there are times when denial serves us well as parents -- for example, when our teen appears ready for a party with an outfit (or a hair color, or a piercing) that we don’t like, we’re willing to deny our judgment (the outfit isn’t so-o bad…”) because we don’t want to sweat the small stuff. We understand that if we get into a style disagreement we might be distracted from our real task, which is to find out where our child is going, with whom, and what they are going to do. This is an example of healthy denial. However, denial should never, ever be used as a defense against knowing the truth about our child’s drug use.

Recently, I was fortunate to witness a family bounce out of the denial of Stage One and into the action of Stage Two. The teenager admitted to his parents that he had been drinking and smoking weed. The parents admitted that they had lingered in Stage One, that they “sort of knew” what was going on. Both were flabbergasted that their son had drifted so far from their family rules in such a short time. Once they woke up, however, these parents did everything right.

1. They took their arrival in Stage Two very seriously and addressed every aspect of their child’s life.
2. They formed a united team and expressed their grave disappointment in his behavior and their expectations (and goals) for change.
3. They tightened all the boundaries around school work, home life, and e-mail/cell phone use.
4. They told their son that he would not be allowed to go out with the new friends with whom he had been trying drugs
5. They redirected him toward his healthy activities, and back into the challenge of his school work and community groups.
6. They sought professional help.
7. They closely followed up with their son, his school, community resources, and each other.

To all of you who might be lingering in Stage One:  You are entitled to find out whether your children are using drugs. Why are you entitled? Because you care deeply about your children’s health, and because you are responsible for their well being until they are able to take responsibility for themselves. Trust has nothing to do with it. Is there any other area of life in which we blindly extend trust before we test, practice, and experience? Would you trust your children to drive without lessons? Would you trust your children to be kind and generous community members without teaching those values to them? Why should we expect that we must trust our children to “make the right choices” when they begin going out with friends and are offered substances for the first time?

Here’s to a holiday season of cheer and, if you are practicing denial, let it be only the healthy sort. Let’s resolve to turn unhealthy denial into positive action in the new year.

And please continue to share your thoughts and experiences with other parents in our forum.

Alison Birnbaum, LCSW, has practiced psychotherapy in New York City and Connecticut for 25 years. In her clinical work, she helps adults, adolescents, children, and their families with issues ranging from mental illness and substance abuse to divorce and emotional intelligence. Alison also works as a consultant to the National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign, offering expert advice on various media initiatives and contributing guest columns to TheAntiDrug.com. She was previously a member of the Media Campaign's Behavior Change Expert Panel (BCEP).