Parent Column
By Alison Birnbaum
“When I came back from rehab, my mother followed me everywhere. She wouldn’t allow me to have any privileges, or make any connections on my own. I was addicted, and so she limited me.” This is how a young woman in California described her addiction and her mother’s reaction to it.
We imagine that our teens abuse substances as a way to express themselves or to assert authority. Instead, let’s imagine that they have just stumbled three steps backward into behavior that could stunt their self expression forever. Research shows that the earlier a person begins to use drugs, the more likely they are to develop a dependence or addiction.1 That means in a class of high school seniors, roughly 11 percent won’t move forward to the next life stage. Rather than moving forward, those students will be battling to stay alive and struggling to beat an addiction. And it often takes a lifetime to beat an addiction.
In the course of childhood, kids learn how to impose internal limits over their behavior. They learn how to focus, to self soothe, and to modulate their behavior. Until they learn those skills, we help them by setting limits and loaning them our “no.” By setting boundaries and leading by example, our kids mature and learn when to say no for themselves. During their teen years, our children will not usually ask for our help or appreciate the limits we set, but we are not finished with our parenting job until they have an internal set of controls that can keep them safe and resilient.
Imposing limits on children who fail to impose them on themselves is parenting at its most nerve-wracking, unpleasant, and important. The best time to set limits is before a habit forms. The next best time is at the moment you realize a habit is deepening.
How do you know when a habit is deepening?
- Your child’s relationships have suffered because he/she is no longer seen as being able to keep his/her word.
- Your child’s school work has suffered.
- Your child has been treated or limited by a community institution: the school, the police, or the hospital.
- Your child’s habit continues even though it makes her/his life worse.
If any of these examples describes your teen, it’s time to take action. And it always helps to discuss your concerns and experiences with other like-minded parents.
Alison Birnbaum, LCSW, has practiced psychotherapy in New York City and Connecticut for 25 years. In her clinical work, she helps adults, adolescents, children, and their families with issues ranging from mental illness and substance abuse to divorce and emotional intelligence. Alison also works as a consultant to the National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign, offering expert advice on various media initiatives and contributing guest columns to TheAntiDrug.com. She was previously a member of the Media Campaign’s Behavior Change Expert Panel (BCEP).
