Parent Column
By Alison Birnbaum
Dear Parents:
Just as your children change and grow, your parenting style can change and grow with them. In fact, the most successful parents I know report that their style matures as their children mature. And one of the most important transition periods for both you and your children is the graduation from tween to teen.
Let’s first think about the developmental differences between tweens and teens so that we can match our “signals” to their “receivers.”
Parenting your tween (ages 9-12)
Tweens are just beginning to become capable of self-awareness. They are slow to take individual responsibility for their actions, and their thinking is more concrete, less abstract. Because their thinking is more black and white, our parenting must echo their abilities. When a tween is in trouble and you ask, “why did you do that?” quite often they answer “because someone else told me to.” Parents who are hoping for a deeper response don’t realize that their child just may not be capable of thinking more deeply.
Of course, one of our jobs as parents is to teach our children how to stretch their thinking and there are many opportunities to do this. However, as long as the child is dwelling in the world of black and white, we must match our directions to their abilities. This means:
1. Make easy-to-follow rules with easy-to-follow consequences (positive and negative).
2. Manage conflict without allowing emotions to flood interactions.
I knew a mother and a tween daughter who were locked in a difficult stage. Whenever they fought (which was frequent), the mother broke down in tears. This was followed by a storm of anger on both sides. The mother decided to make some changes. First, she worked to maintain her calm. Next, she told her daughter clearly what behavior was expected from her, and what consequences would occur if that behavior wasn’t followed, as well as what consequences would occur if that behavior was followed. The daughter’s behavior changed in response to healthy, structured parenting.
Parenting your teen
Teens are capable of understanding the world in more abstract terms. They are gaining self awareness and are beginning to see differences between themselves and others. Their world view transitions from black and white to glorious color. Recently a 19-year-old told me that he was completely shocked to realize that “my parents are people, living their own lives.”
Our parenting job with teens is a bit more abstract. We echo our teens’ development by being part coach and part appreciative audience. We are watching them construct their lives and we want to give them enough freedom to make some of their own choices. But just because they are a bit more in charge, we can’t give up our obligation to provide just enough of the “black and white” guidance to give them structure in case the structure they are developing for themselves fails.
The same directions that we gave them as tweens are still necessary:
1. Make easy-to-follow rules with easy-to-follow consequences (both positive and negative).
2. Manage conflict without allowing emotions to flood interactions.
However, for teens, we add touches of color, particularly in the way we listen to and understand their point of view. We can talk abstractly about how we arrived at our decisions, and ask them to be more self aware. The great joy of parenting a teen is in our ability to shift our approach according to need. If we are able to effectively parent “in color” and in black and white, we can help them develop depth and also help keep them safe.
If you’re not sure where to start, take this quiz to find your parenting style and learn more about what you're doing right, and what you could do better. And please share your tips on keeping up with your tween or teen in the Parent Forum so we can all benefit from each other’s experiences.
Alison Birnbaum, LCSW, has practiced psychotherapy in New York City and Connecticut for 25 years. In her clinical work, she helps adults, adolescents, children, and their families with issues ranging from mental illness and substance abuse to divorce and emotional intelligence. Alison also works as a consultant to the National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign, offering expert advice on various media initiatives and contributing guest columns to TheAntiDrug.com. She was previously a member of the Media Campaign's Behavior Change Expert Panel (BCEP).
