Working too Much?
Ask the Experts
I am worried about my 8-year-old daughter. She seems depressed, and distant. I have to work during the evenings so she is home with
her dad and 1-year-old brother. When I get home from work, she's already in bed. I feel guilty that I have to work, however we cannot afford a
babysitter for me to be home in the evening. Her father works in the morning and as soon as he walks in the door, it's time for me to leave. How
can I keep a safe mind to pray that she will never touch drugs in her lifetime, when I only see her in the morning before I take her to school?
Dear Parent:
Your instincts are right: there is a correlation between childhood depression, being "distant," and future drug involvement. Your relationship
with your daughter is your strongest safeguard against her drug use. This is precisely the time in a child's life when you can most easily work on
your connection with her.
FIRST STEP: Re-connect to your daughter. Here are some questions for you to ask yourself: What can I do each day to connect to my
daughter in a meaningful way? I know some working mothers who wake their children up early so that they can have relaxed one-on-one time. Weekends are
an especially good time to schedule mutually fun activities. Another way of connecting during your workday is to schedule a daily check-in by phone.
SECOND STEP: Make sure the "parenting team" is on the same page. Like many dual career families, you and your husband are co-parenting,
and at this point, it sounds like he is spending more waking hours with her. The two of you need to work together to figure out your daughter's needs and
feelings while she is with her father and brother. Is the baby somehow becoming the "star?" Your daughter had some time of being the only child, and she may
be mourning the loss of her special status. You and your husband may be saying all the right words to her about how much you love her, but children look for
actions, and the two of you need to figure out some little active ways to restore her position. Extended family members can be helpful. When my 5-year-old
"only child" got a sister, my own sister and brother-in-law who did not yet have children, stepped in to help.
THIRD STEP: Include your daughter in the team. What does your daughter say about her sadness and her distance? Sometimes questioning
a child while you are playing a game or drawing a picture together is better than asking her directly. However, even more important than finding out what
she feels about it, is finding out what she thinks you and your family can do to fix it. What is her vision of the solution?
FOURTH STEP: If steps 1, 2 and 3 don't work, find a good child and family counselor. Childhood is challenging enough without
depression and parenting is challenging enough without a sad child!
Alison Birnbaum is a Licensed Certified Social Worker who is a parenting expert in the National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign. She has a private practice in New Canaan, CT.
Parenting is tough. You want to do what's right for your child but you don't always know what that is. Need some advice? Ask the expert.
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