Moving on from Mistakes
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I have a 14-year-old son whom I have always spoken honestly to about sex, drugs, and the dangers
that exist in the outside world. I feel that I have always done as I should to be a responsible parent. Recently,
he told me he and his friends tried pot. I explained that this was not acceptable but assured him that we understand
that peer pressure can be a horrible thing. We again discussed ways to avoid drugs and reinforced our love and devotion
to him, but made it quite clear that this behavior is not in any way acceptable to us. To my surprise he started to cry.
I explained that I was thankful he was honest and glad that he felt he could talk to us. I knew he felt bad and told
him there was no punishment because I knew he was feeling worse than he has in his life. I also explained that this is
his first try and last - that punishment would be swift and stern if he ever thought of doing this again. My question
is - what should my next move be, and how can I stop feeling as if I let him down in some way since he seemed to lack
the will power to say No?
Dear Parent,
You deserve parenting kudos! You have a lot going for you:
- You have an open dialogue with your son. So much better than a one-way lecture, a dialogue promotes exchange, and you have experienced the positive results.
- Your son's response, his tearfulness, is an indicator that he perceives that you are on his team, not in an adversary position. You have conveyed to him that you and he are working together to build the best possible life for him.
- You handled the event beautifully! You repeated your rules and expectations of his drug use (zero tolerance), and told him what the consequences of his behavior had been (he let you down) and that there would be restrictions if he ever tried drugs again.
So now what do you need to do? |
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First of all, let go of your guilt! It is healthy to feel guilt if you intentionally did something wrong,
but it seems that you did the best you could at the time to prepare your son to refuse drugs. If you are busy soul searching and
self-blaming, you will miss the next very important step, which is to continue developing your alliance with your son. |
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It will take both of you (and maybe the whole family) to make a partnership so that he can say "no." Ask
him how you can help him with his will power. |
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A very straightforward way to help him is to restrict his interaction with peers who use drugs. Steer him
towards an alternative group of peers who are more involved in activities that require sharpness and aptitude. Tell him that he can
blame the restriction on you (this will help him save face with peers), but that he absolutely may not be out with drug using
friends. |
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Make sure that adults supervise him whenever he goes out. This will require you to call the parents of his friends. It will
give you a chance to network and to find other parents who are like-minded. |
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It is not a moral failing that your son lacked the will power to say no. But it tells you that he may be at risk for
addiction because he wanted to say no and couldn't. You will need to stay on this issue until you are sure that the two of
you (or better yet, the whole family) have put enough structure in place for your 14-year-old to be safe. |
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Alison Birnbaum is a Licensed Certified Social Worker who is a parenting expert in the National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign. She has a private practice in New Canaan, CT.
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