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CONVERSATIONS FOR PARENTS

"When Friends Are a Bad Influence"

A mother and father suspect that their son’s new friends are a negative influence. Advice on assessing peer influence and how to address concerns about friends with your teen.

What the Experts Say

This can be a very sticky spot for parents. At a time when your teen needs independence and peer groups are of utmost importance, how do you step in and reasonably address concerns about choice of friends? Here’s some advice:

• Don’t base your disapproval solely on perception. Just because your teen’s friends are different, doesn’t mean they are trouble.
• Speak up if there are clear signs of problems. Communicate your concerns and set some limits.
• If your teen has already gotten into minor trouble with the friends, don’t hesitate to put some restrictions on the relationship, such as limiting their time and activities together. If he’s gotten into serious trouble, you are within your right to cut off the relationship altogether.
• Respect your teen. Approach the conversation carefully, and lay out your concerns in a non-judgmental way.
• Be sure to hear your teen out. He is testing new identities and attacking his peers won’t get you very far.
• If you need to cut off the relationship, be direct with your teen and explain your concerns. Avoid personally attacking the friend(s), because your teen may take this personally. Focus on the behaviors instead. Expect that your teen will be upset, but be firm.
• Enlist responsible older teens or other adults to serve as a positive influence for your teen.
• Encourage your teen to be an independent thinker.
• Most important: Keep a close eye on your teen. Stay informed about all aspects of your teen’s life – school performance, work, after-school time and other free time.
• Get to know your teen’s friends and their parents. Build a network of other parents and help each other keep track of kids and what they’re up to.
• “Nest” your teen in a desirable peer network by involving her in positive activities that interest her.  This is especially important as your teen transitions from middle to high school.
• Teach social skills to help your teen manage difficult situations, including how to deal with conflict and how to resist pressure to use drugs or engage in other risky behavior.

Since changing schools, fifteen-year-old Anthony has started spending more and more time with a new group of friends, and his parents suspect they have been drinking and possibly using drugs. They decide to approach Anthony about their concerns.

MOM:  Anthony, we need to talk to you about some concerns we have.  We want you to listen first, then we’ll give you a chance to respond, because we’re interested in what you have to say.

ANTHONY: Uh, okay.

DAD:  We’re concerned about the friends you’ve been hanging out with. I know some of them have gotten into some trouble with marijuana and alcohol and we’re not comfortable with that. We’re concerned about you.

 
ANTHONY:  I’ve never used that stuff! Why don’t you trust me? I’ve never done anything wrong.

MOM:  We’re not saying you have. We know you’ve been responsible and have made good choices. But we’re worried that you could get into trouble just being around them. If they do something wrong and get caught, you could end up in a very tight spot.

ANTHONY:  Why do you just assume the worst about my friends? They aren’t doing anything bad. That stuff you heard about was a long time ago!

MOM:  Well, that may be true, but it’s our job to keep you safe. We are still uncomfortable with you spending a lot of time with them. This is obviously important to you, so we want your help in easing our concerns about these friends. How can you help us with that?

ANTHONY:  What? That’s lame. 

MOM:  We want your input, Anthony.

ANTHONY:  (pause) I suppose I could give you their parents’ names and phone numbers.

MOM:  That’s a good start.  We’d like to meet them. We’ll also invite your friends here so we can get to know them. And we’re going to be keeping closer tabs on you - we expect you to be where you say you’ll be at all times.

ANTHONY:   I can’t believe that you don’t even trust me!

DAD:  We do trust you.  But this goes beyond trust. Sometimes you can find yourself in a difficult situation and it’s easy for things to spiral out of control. That’s what we’re trying to protect you from.

MOM:  We love you and we’re concerned for you and your future. We wanted you to know what is on our minds.

ANTHONY:  You always have to assume the worst.

DAD:  No, we just expect the best for you.  We’re going to keep an eye on things and we won’t hesitate to put some limits on your relationship with these friends if problems occur. Do you understand?  You’ve heard our point of view and what happens next is up to you.

ANTHONY:  Okay.