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CONVERSATIONS FOR PARENTS

"I Don’t Approve of My Teen’s Appearance"

A mother and father talk with their teen daughter about her appearance, including her request for a nose piercing. Advice on respectfully dealing with concerns about your teen’s dress or appearance, body piercing and related issues.

What the Experts Say

So your teen has started experimenting with some new looks, and it’s driving you crazy. What should a parent do?

• Research shows that body piercing (other than in the ear) is significantly related to high-risk behavior in teens, including problem drinking, marijuana and cigarette use, sexual activity, getting in trouble with parents and school, truancy and failing grades. If your teen has a piercing, or wants one, be aware that this is a signal that you need to keep a close eye on your adolescent, and talk with him/her about risk-taking.
• Accepting your teen’s self-expression is not easy, but it’s important for parents to be supportive when possible. It can take many years of experimentation with hair, clothes and accessories for teens to figure out who they are. It’s a natural part of growing up.
• Don’t assume your teen is in trouble just because of an unusual appearance. Look for other clues that your teen might be at risk, such as falling grades, depression or anxiety, unusual behavior or signs of substance use.
• Don’t take your teen’s “new look” personally. If you maintain closeness and warmth in your relationship, your teen will be more open to your influence.
• Pick your battles. If blue hair is the worst that it gets, you are probably one of the lucky ones. Save your ammunition for issues that truly affect your teen’s health, safety or well-being.
• Think carefully about why you are opposed to your teen’s appearance. Is his/her appearance just part of self-expression or part of something unhealthy, such as gang affiliation?
• If your teen’s appearance clashes with your values, set some reasonable limits, such as no revealing clothing or clothes with inappropriate language or content.
• Understand the influential role of media and popular culture on how teenagers’ dress. Entertainment and advertising media have a more powerful influence on teens than they understand or acknowledge. Media consumption habits evolve quickly so monitor regularly, limit access and talk to your teen about unhealthy expectations around appearance.

Many parents want to know how to handle a teen’s request for a body piercing. Here’s some advice:

• Even if you’re opposed to piercing, approach your teen with an open mind and hear him/her out. If they sense that you are immediately dismissive, they won’t give your concerns a fair hearing.
• Understand that the desire for a piercing is rooted in your teen’s drive for independence, an important task of adolescence. Take steps to show respect for her ideas and opinions.
• Encourage your teen to take the time to make a decision and make a list of pros and cons. Have him/her talk to an objective third-party, such as a physician, and others who have had the procedure to learn about their experiences.
• Explain your concerns in a thoughtful, non-judgmental way. Tell your teen you are concerned about how they will be perceived and the impact it may have on them in the future.
• Educate your teen about the health risks of piercing, including infection, skin reactions and infectious diseases, such as Hepatitis B and C.
• If you’re opposed to piercing, seek out a compromise, such as clip-on magnetic ring for the nose, which wouldn’t be permanent.
• If you give your teen the go-ahead, make sure you check the place out before he/she goes to have it done.

It seems like every morning before school, Ashley, 15, argues with her parents about how she’s dressed. They think she looks inappropriate; she says she’s just expressing her individuality. Now she keeps begging her parents about getting her nose pierced. They decide to have a talk.

MOM:  Ashley, we want to have a talk with you about your appearance.

ASHLEY:  Again?!  I’m so tired of you bugging me all the time. I really don’t see what the problem is with how I dress.

DAD:  We’re tired of arguing every time you leave the house, too, so we thought we’d sit down with you now to see if we can come up with a compromise. It’s a chance for us to hear each other out without getting into another heated discussion.

ASHLEY:  Okay. Well, like I said yesterday morning, I don’t see what’s so bad about my clothes. I’m just expressing myself. The same way you probably did when you were a teenager.

MOM:  We understand that. And we admire your individuality. But we’re worried that your appearance may unfairly influence people’s perception of you. We know how bright and responsible you are, but the way you look sometimes suggests otherwise.

DAD:  We just don’t want you to be hurt by it. We know it’s unfair that people judge and make assumptions, but that’s how the world works.

ASHLEY:  A lot of kids dress like me.  I think you guys are overreacting. Not everyone is as old-fashioned as you.

DAD:  We don’t want to control how you look…we understand that is part of who you are. We’d just like you to consider the consequences.

ASHLEY:  I think it just tells people that I’m creative and unique.

MOM:  We’d like to propose a compromise. We want you to dial it back a bit during the week and dress a little more conservatively.  If you want to dress a little different when you’re spending time with your girlfriends on the weekends, then that would be okay.

ASHLEY:  I’m not going to totally change how I look, just because you guys can’t handle it!

MOM:  We’re not asking you to do that. We just want to find some middle ground. Can you work with us on this, please?

ASHLEY:  Fine. I’ll try it. But I still want to get my nose pierced!

MOM:  Tell us why you want to get it pierced.

ASHLEY:  Because it’s a unique way for me to express myself. I think it looks cool.

DAD:  There are a lot of downsides to doing something so permanent.  Why don’t you do some research and put together a list of pros and cons. We’ll take a look at that and then talk about it again.

MOM:  I think you should also talk to someone who’s had it done. And I want you to talk to Dr. Olson, too, to see what he thinks. Then we’ll discuss it, but we’re not promising anything.

ASHLEY:  Okay. Thanks.