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Bags and Bedrooms

CONVERSATIONS FOR PARENTS

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"Bags and Bedrooms: Should I Take a Closer Look?"

A daughter and mother argue about a marijuana pipe she found after going through her daughter's bag. Advice on how to balance privacy with suspicion while keeping a positive relationship with your teen.

What the Experts Say

This is a common predicament faced by many parents. How do you balance trust with suspicion when you’re trying to protect and maintain a positive relationship with your teen?  Here’s some advice:

  • All teens need privacy, so do your best to integrate that into your daily lives.
  • If you are heavily involved in your teen’s life, you’ll be more “plugged in” and in tune with what he’s up to.
  • Trust, but verify. Don’t be overly suspicious but have a healthy dose of skepticism. Watch carefully for signs that your teen might be putting herself at risk and step up the monitoring.
  • If you suspect your teen is spending time with drug-using friends, take action. Talk to her about the risks of use and reiterate your rules of no drug use.
  • If you confirm that your teen’s friend is using, put some limits on the relationship, such as allowing your teen to spend time with that friend only in your home when you are present.
  • If you find out your teen’s friend is using, consider approaching his/her parents with the information.
  • Don’t be afraid to be “nosy” when there are signs of trouble. The stakes are high for teens when it comes to risk behavior. As hard as it is, sometimes that means going through belongings or checking email.
  • Remember that when your teen’s friends start using drugs or engaging in other risky behavior, your teen is at an increased risk as well.
  • Communicate your concerns in a respectful, loving way.
  • Give your teen an opportunity to weigh in.
  • Be firm in enforcing consequences and stick to your guns even when things get tough.
  • If you haven’t already set clear expectations and consequences about no drug use, now is the time.

The Transcript

On a hunch, a mother has gone through her teenage daughter’s bag and finds a marijuana pipe. The mother is concerned about her daughter but feels conflicted about saying anything because of the way she found the pipe. After mulling things over, she decides to talk to her.

MOM: Dominique, I want to talk to you about something.

DOMINIQUE: What?

MOM: Where did this pipe come from?

DOMINIQUE: Where did you get that?

MOM: I found it in your bag. Please explain why you have it.

DOMINIQUE: It doesn’t belong to me. I was keeping it for a friend.  I haven’t used drugs, I swear. You know that.

MOM: I’m glad to hear that you are not using. But, Dominique, I want to be very clear again that drug use is not allowed in this family and we want you to stay away from things associated with drug use.

DOMINIQUE: Why don’t you trust me?!  I told you it’s not mine!

MOM: Ok, so it is not yours. It’s not that I don’t trust you. I’m just concerned about some of your behavior lately and I want to make sure that everything is okay with you. Is there anything going on that I should know?

DOMINIQUE: Why were you even going through my bag in the first place? You violated my privacy!!

MOM: Dominique, I do my best to honor your privacy and I understand that you need it. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. But as your parent, I also want to keep you safe.  I’m sorry if that means I had to go further than you would like.

DOMINIQUE: But you shouldn’t have gone through my things!

MOM: I was worried and I still am. What are you doing with a pot pipe?  Marijuana is a serious drug. It can affect your brain, and you could really limit your potential if you use it.

DOMINIQUE: Mom, I’m not smoking pot!

MOM: I hear that you’re upset with me and I get it! I would be too.  I’m happy to talk more about that later. But the issue right now is this pipe. We have a very clear rule that you are to have nothing to do with drugs, and this pipe is a violation of that rule. You know what the consequences are.

DOMINIQUE: But Mom! I was just trying to help a friend. It’s not fair for me to be punished.

MOM: But Dominique, a true friend wouldn’t put you in this position or expose you to these kinds of risks. I wouldn’t have gone through your things if I hadn’t felt like something was going on with you. You’ve been late for curfew a couple of times and seem distant lately. I understand you are upset. You can go ahead and make your case, and I’ll listen. But you know what the rule is.

DOMINIQUE: Here’s what happened...