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My Teen is Lost Online

CONVERSATIONS FOR PARENTS

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"My Teen Is Lost in Cyberspace"

A dad talks to his teen son about his Internet use, including spending too much time online. Advice on setting limits around online activity as well as other forms of media.

What the Experts Say

What limits are appropriate for your teen when he/she is online? Here are some tips:

  • The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends parents limit and get involved in their teen’s Internet and other media use. For more information, advice and guidelines, visit their Web site at www.aap.org/healthtopics/mediause.cfm.
  • Think about setting rules for cyberspace the same way you set rules for your teen’s activities in the larger world:
    • Caution your teen about the risks of “talking” to or engaging with people he/she doesn’t know well. Let him/her know of the dangers involved.
    • Emphasize the importance of privacy – tell your teen not to give out his/her full name or other personal information online.
    • Develop clear rules about what kinds of places and activities – Web sites and chat rooms – are off-limits, and set consequences for breaking them.
  • Keep computers out of the bedroom. Putting the computer in a public place sends a clear message that using the Internet is not a private activity.
  • Learn about tools that can promote Internet safety and allow you to oversee what your teen is doing online.
  • Remind your teens, especially young teens, that the Internet can be unsafe. One in five kids has been sexually solicited online. Encourage teens to be wary of direct communication from people they don’t know in chat rooms, forums, peer to peer networks, bulletin boards and email. Tell them not to meet with anyone in person that they first “met” online or to respond to messages that make them uncomfortable.
  • Try to become Internet savvy. Supervise your teen’s online activity just as you would his/her schoolwork.  Visit Web sites and chat rooms your teen has been to.
  • Set priorities about Internet use. Homework first, then entertainment.
  • Limit screen time to a reasonable amount each day.
  • Don’t forget about Instant Messaging. Regularly review your teen’s IM list with him/her and get rid of anyone he/she cannot identify.
  • Engage your teen in positive Internet use. Ask him/her to research topics of relevance to the family, and to teach younger siblings how to use the Web safely and responsibly.
  • Know that your teen can get online in other ways, such as through a cell phone, video game consoles, at school, at a friend’s house or a public library, and remind him/her that your rules apply inside and outside your home.

Some tips on setting limits on other media as well:

  • Limit your teen’s total screen time for the week, including computer use, television, movies and video games. Think of entertainment as “junk culture,” much like junk food, and only allow a certain amount of it in your teen’s diet.
  • Try to limit movies or DVDs to one per week. Review content to make sure it is appropriate for your teen. Use the movie rating system to guide you.
  • Restrict access to “R” and un-rated movies.  Children who are not restricted from watching “R-rated” movies are three times more likely to smoke or drink compared to those who are never allowed to watch them.
  • Keep the television out of your teen’s bedroom. Teens with TVs in their bedrooms are more likely to have sex, use drugs, smoke cigarettes and binge drink.
  • Use parental ratings to restrict access to inappropriate television shows and video games.

The Transcript

Marcus’s dad bought him a computer for his birthday and let him set it up in his room, with Internet access. Ever since then, Marcus has been spending less time with the family and more and more time online, and his father is concerned. He wonders if he made a mistake in buying the computer in the first place.

DAD: Hey Marcus, we need to have a conversation about the computer. We’re concerned about how much time you’re spending online.

MARCUS: Whatever, Dad. All I’m doing is catching up with my friends and downloading some music. I don’t see what the big deal is.

DAD:  I know it’s an important way for you to socialize with your friends, but you’re spending hours online holed up in your bedroom. It’s too much. It’s really hard for us to know what you’re up to since you’re in your room all the time.

MARCUS: Dad, I like to have my privacy. You ask for privacy when you’re on the phone sometimes…I don’t see what the difference is.

DAD: I know you need some privacy. I’m not asking permission to read all your IMs or email. I just think that we should have some ability to supervise what you’re doing, and right now we don’t.

MARCUS: Dad, you’re the one who set my computer up in here in the first place. Now you’re saying I have to move it?

DAD: We made a mistake in not putting it in a more public part of the house in the first place. We want to move it into the family room. It will still be yours – but this way, we’ll feel more comfortable about your time online.

MARCUS: I can’t believe you feel like you need to spy on me.

DAD: Marcus, that’s not it at all. We know you’re responsible, but there’s a lot of questionable stuff on the Web and it’s easy to get carried away since you feel so anonymous. We just want to keep tabs on things.

MARCUS: Fine.

DAD: We also want to be clear that the priority is homework first, then computer time. Let’s talk about what a reasonable amount of time online per day is.

MARCUS: What? That’s so lame.

DAD: I really want us to work together to find a compromise. How much time do you think is reasonable? An hour or two?

MARCUS: I suppose I could limit it to two hours.

DAD: Good. But homework first. Okay? Let’s try that for a couple of weeks and see how it goes. Nothing has to be set in stone.

MARCUS: Okay.