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CONVERSATIONS FOR PARENTS

"We’re Divorced, and We Don’t Agree"

A divorced mother and father have different parenting styles and disagree about rules and discipline for their teenage daughter, including her curfew. Advice on consistent parenting and guidelines for setting an appropriate curfew.

What the Experts Say

Here’s some advice on dealing with the challenges of parenting a teen after divorce:

• Remember that children’s adjustment after divorce is largely dependent on how well the parents work together to provide a stable, loving and consistent environment.
• Research shows that if divorced parents are warm and supportive, monitor their teen’s activities, and are consistent in discipline, the risk of behavior problems by their teen is no greater than in two-parent families.
• Take perspective. Both parents are dealing with difficult issues. The non-residential or “weekend” parent may feel left out or guilty, while the full-time parent may be struggling with increased parenting responsibilities, as well as financial pressures.
• Try to agree, in principle, on what you expect from your teen, and work to back each other up.
• When possible, decisions about rules, limits and discipline should be made jointly. Differences are likely, but the important thing is how you work them out and compromise.
• Pick your battles. Identify the key areas concerning safety and well-being, and work together to set the rules and consequences for your teen. Let each parent decide how to handle other issues.
• Don’t put your children in the middle by complaining about the inconsistencies or by criticizing your former spouse.
• Allow your former spouse to have his/her own parenting style, and work together to nurture an overall spirit of cooperation.
• If you are the non-residential parent, resist the temptation to become the “buddy” parent. It’s important that you provide support by helping your teen deal with problems, setting limits and providing structure.
• Don’t “lower the bar” for your teen just because you feel guilty about being divorced. Maintain expectations about appropriate behavior and rules.

Most parents know that setting a curfew is an important way to protect their teen.  But what’s the best way to do it?  Here’s some advice:

• Set a blanket curfew that is appropriate for your teen. You may set one curfew for school nights and another for weekends. Explain the reasons for the curfew (i.e. concerns about safety).
• Make your curfew age-appropriate. Kids generally need a curfew once they start spending more time without parents outside the home. Consider how structured and supervised their activities are. Renegotiate their curfew as they demonstrate more maturity.
• Check local curfew ordinances to know the law.
• Provide some leeway for special occasions, if appropriate.
• Check with other parents to compare notes about curfews and consequences for breaking them. You don’t want to be too rigid, and it’s easier to enforce a curfew if your teen’s friends have to be home at a similar time.
• Require your teen to call if he/she will be late. You should also have your teen check in with you when he/she gets home, even if you’re asleep.
• Don’t allow last-minute extensions. If your teen calls just prior to curfew to ask for more time, this may signal that something is up.
• Work with your teen to negotiate consequences. Some parents allow a five-minute grace period, then the restrictions kick-in. Consequences could include earlier curfew the next week or loss of driving, phone or computer privileges.

Sam and Donna, divorced parents of 16-year-old Jennifer, disagree about rules and discipline for their daughter. Sam, who has Jennifer two weekends a month, is more lax about curfew and doesn’t want to put too many limits on her. Donna asks Sam to meet her for coffee so they can talk.

DONNA:  Sam, thanks for coming. I really appreciate it.

SAM:  Sure. So you wanted to talk about Jennifer.


DONNA:  It’s about her behavior lately. I’m concerned that she’s getting mixed messages from us about curfew and other rules. She’s starting to act out more when she’s at home with me.

SAM:  Donna, we’ve talked about this before. I think you’re too hard on her. She’s had a difficult time with the divorce and I don’t think we should be too tough on her.

DONNA:  I understand that, but we’ve been really inconsistent with her and I don’t think that’s helping. She’s taking advantage of the situation. She needs to have a curfew; she’s only 16. But it’s impossible for me to enforce it if you let her stay out late when she’s at your house. I just want us to find some common ground.

SAM:  Well, I think 10:30 is too early for her. She says her friends can all stay out later than that, and I don’t want her to feel left out. She needs that fun right now.

DONNA:  I’m not sure that her friends really do have later curfews. I can check with their parents. I just want the two of us to be on the same page.

SAM:  My concern is that I want her to enjoy her time with me, since I don’t get to see her as much now.

DONNA:  I understand that. I know things are different now. But you need to understand where I’m coming from too. Now that I’m doing most of the day-to-day parenting, I have a lot on my plate and I really need to run a tight ship.

SAM:  I see where you’re coming from.

DONNA:  She needs structure, and I want her to be home at a reasonable time. It’s for her safety.

SAM:    Why don’t we compromise on 11:00 pm for now, and see how that goes.

DONNA:  Great. Let’s talk about consequences for breaking curfew. If she’s late, I think it’s reasonable to require her to come in earlier the next weekend.

SAM:  Okay. Let’s talk to her about it together next weekend when you drop her off.

DONNA:  Thanks, Sam. I know this isn’t easy. But we’re doing the right thing.