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Drug Information

Responsive Parenting

Parenting Column

By Alison Birnbaum

A number of you have written about your experiences with the Bridging the Gap Action Items and Advice. From your responses, it is clear that you are thoughtful in your parenting and are learning to communicate more effectively with your teens. Those of you with younger teens tell us you are preparing early for what lies ahead. And those of you already in the thick of parenting a high school student tell us you are wrestling with maintaining positive contact with your child while trying to set rules and limits.

Knowing what opportunities and challenges your children face when they navigate online or gather with friends is the first step toward responsive parenting. Whenever I work with parents, there is considerable (and justified) concern about their child’s privacy, particularly around written material. I, too, remember writing revealing notes to friends, and I would not have wanted my parents to read them.

However, participation on the Internet is less like a private diary or secret interaction with a friend, and more like a public event. The fact that there are few if any parents in “cyberspace venues” (Facebook Thank you for visiting theantidrug.com. You are now leaving the site. The Office of National Drug Control Policy is not responsible for the content or information gathering practices of other websites you are linking to., MySpace Thank you for visiting theantidrug.com. You are now leaving the site. The Office of National Drug Control Policy is not responsible for the content or information gathering practices of other websites you are linking to., chat rooms) doesn’t make it any less of a venue. Before my children leave for a concert, party, friend’s house, mall, restaurant or any other venue, I ask questions to get an idea of exactly what dangers they might face. Knowing the right questions to ask depends on your level of familiarity with the destination. So if you want to know potential dangers of online venues, surf some of the popular social networking sites to see who is there and what they are doing. You can do the research without overstepping your child’s privacy boundaries.

Also, if you suspect your child is taking risks that are affecting his or her mental health, friendship life, or school work, it is your responsibility to figure out how you can help. I have heard teens express anger about their parents checking up on them, and I have seen some teens continue risky behavior regardless of the parents’ response. But by far the most common response that teens have is relief. (Of course, they will never express this directly to their parents!) I have heard many teens say what one young woman recently told me: “I actually am relieved that I’m grounded, because I was getting out of control and needed a break.”

Setting limits

How do you set rules without sounding like a drill sergeant? No parent enjoys being an inquisitor or likes to see a teen stiffen with resentment when faced with “the questions,” such as “Where are you going?,” “What are you doing?,” “Who will be there?” Here are several strategies to try:

  1. Focus on the positive: “We’ve been a good team on other occasions. [Like when we worked on that science project together, worked on your tennis serve, etc.] Let’s use our teamwork here to stay safe and healthy.”
  2. Discuss the interaction (PDF): “Hey, we always seem to end up here….given that I’m only doing my job, and every time you go out I will be asking questions, how can we make this go more easily between us?”
  3. Use a sense of humor: “Ok, it’s time for me to put on my ‘dad’ [or mom] hat. You know that means I have to ask the questions. . .”

Please feel free to share your favorite strategies on the Parent Forum so we can all benefit from each other’s experiences.

Alison Birnbaum, LCSW, has practiced psychotherapy in New York City and Connecticut for 25 years. In her clinical work, she helps adults, adolescents, children, and their families with issues ranging from mental illness and substance abuse to divorce and emotional intelligence. Alison also works as a consultant to the National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign, offering expert advice on various media initiatives and contributing guest columns to TheAntiDrug.com. She was previously a member of the Media Campaign's Behavior Change Expert Panel (BCEP).