Expert Advice
Reconnecting with Your Tech-savvy Teen
Q&A with Candice Kelsey
If your children are spending hours on social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace, how do you best approach them about their online profiles, friends, and messages?
Candice Kelsey, author of Generation MySpace, offers guidance for parents who are looking to reconnect with their tech-savvy teens.
Q: I am unfamiliar with these sites. What is my first step?
A: My advice would be to log onto MySpace or Facebook and just check out the culture. You'll risk seeing some things that you maybe don't understand, but spend
a few weeks checking out the sites and the teen culture. Tell your children that you are just exploring and that you're not setting up your own profile or trying to become a member
of their online world.
After a few weeks, ask your children to show you their profiles. They are generally very proud of their sites and what they've produced. They want to show them off and explain
the ins and outs of the technology.
Q: If I find something disconcerting (sexual photos, drinking/drug references, etc.), what should I do?
A: If you are looking with your child present, you will not be too surprised because you have already done your homework and seen the kinds of profiles that
are online. If your child or his friends have some upsetting elements on their pages, do not be alarmed. Remain calm and ask him what he (or his friend) is trying to get across
in this profile. How does he think other people are interpreting these images or messages? What is he trying to communicate and how can he get that across in a better way? Make
him feel accountable for this public presentation of his image.
Q: Should I invest in Internet filters or other "gate-keeping" technologies? And how do I monitor other gadgets like cell phones?
A: Yes, it is smart to look into filters, but the danger lies in thinking these filters and tools are the answer, rather than one small precaution. If your
children are 14 or younger, then you should feel entitled to forbid use of these sites. Be forewarned, they will still use them (at friends' houses, etc), but you to have put your
foot down and your children will understand your stance on the matter.
For older teenagers, you don't want to live with your head in the sand and outright forbid use of these sites. They are a part of teen culture, and you should help them learn
to navigate these sites effectively. Social networking is a part of the landscape and you should help your children learn to live responsibly in this online world.
Q: If moderation is a good rule of thumb, what kinds of limits should I enforce?
A: It's always wise to set boundaries - this starts when your child is much younger, so this shouldn't be new territory. If your children claim that they need
to be online for four or more hours at night to do their homework, you should know that is not realistic. Be a proactive parent and establish rules - no laptop, no Internet access
on the cell phone. And no access past 10 p.m.
I suggest creating and having all family members sign an Internet Usage Contract. Have a family roundtable to discuss and agree on the terms, laminate the document and post
it by the computer. Establish consequences for failing to abide by the terms and stick to those rules.
Tell your children you will be checking on their user habits - exploring bookmarks, URL history, cell phone call logs, numbers, and text messages.
Q: What are the warning signs that my teen might be using the Internet and social marketing sites for drug-related activities?
A: There are definitely things to look out for: strange packages that are delivered to the house, credit card bills with generic or unfamiliar company names,
drug lingo or symbols on their online profiles. Check out the history on the computer. Learn the lingo for drug names and be on the lookout for telltale signs. When your children
show you their profiles, look at the names of the groups they have joined.
Monitor your children's sleep patterns. If they are extremely tired, monitor their computer use and ensure they don't have access to the Web in the middle of the night.
Q: Who else can help me monitor my kids' online habits? How can we work together?
A: The onus is on parents to band together over this issue. Your children are claiming this public space as their own, and you and like-minded parents need to
reclaim that control. There is no better use of your time than to make sure your children are safe in all of the environments they participate - whether online or off. You and
other parents have a shared goal of ensuring you are involved in your kids' lives and understand the culture your children are growing up in.
Share stories with other parents and present a united front. Together you can petition sites to uphold stricter user guidelines. You can ask the school (counselors,
administration, teachers, etc) to partner with you to ensure there is a computer code of conduct. They should be able to make this available to you.
Q: Is there a difference in how I should talk to my younger vs. older children?
A: For younger children, you can explain what they might face in the future as they surf the Web. Explain that there are good and bad things online, but ultimately, the offline
world is more rewarding. And prove that to them by spending time together, doing fun activities, and exploring the real world.
Q: I am having a tough time talking to my children about these issues. What should I do?
A: If you have a difficult time talking to your teen - they rebuff your attempts to talk through these issues together, etc. - know that you will eventually
break through that wall. You can explain that you are not against these sites and you just want to help them navigate this online world in a safe and healthy manner. Explain that
they will have more freedom if they are honest with you. This is not about restrictions; it's about trying to help them.
If after six months of broaching this subject, they still will not share their profile with you or they've set up a "dummy" site (a clean, generic page with no real info), you
might have to get a counselor involved. It could mean your child has something to hide and it might be a larger issue that requires outside help.
The cofounder of a private high school in California, Candice M. Kelsey spends her days mediating online-related dramas among her students. She is an evaluator for the
College Board's Advanced Placement program, the S.A.T., and the U.S. Department of Education. Kelsey lives with her husband and two children in Los Angeles.
Next: Parents Ask the Questions
