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CONVERSATIONS FOR PARENTS

"My Grandchild Won’t Listen to Me"

A grandmother serving as primary caregiver for her teenage grandson talks to him about rules and expectations. Advice for setting limits and other challenges many grandparents face when raising teen grandchildren.

What the Experts Say

If you are raising a grandchild, know that you are not alone. Approximately 2.4 million grandparents are raising grandchildren in the United States. Here’s some advice on dealing with the challenges:

• Your grandchild most likely came to live with you under difficult circumstances, so it’s natural for you to feel conflicted about discipline and enforcing rules.  Remember that discipline is an important form of education. Be consistent in enforcing consequences.
• Structure is important. Sit down with your grandchild to negotiate house rules and to try to establish consistent routines.
• Try to find shared activities or common ground to build a positive, warm relationship with your grandchild.
• Teens today are more likely to engage in substance use and sexual activity at a younger age, compared to a generation ago. Keep this in mind as you set rules and monitor your grandchild’s activities.
• Open communication is key. Talk about your concerns and deal with your grandchild’s anger and fear honestly.
• It’s not unusual to feel stressed, lonely and overwhelmed with this major life change. Take care of yourself. Get support from your community, church or local parenting classes.
• If your adult children are still in the picture, be prepared to deal with conflicts. Compromise is the best approach.
• Get to know the adults in your grandchild’s life (teachers, coaches, etc.) and keep in touch with them to monitor his/her well being.
• The most effective parenting style combines love with firm limits and respect. Avoid physical punishment and use positive reinforcement as much as possible.
• Understand that there will probably be a generation gap between you and your grandchild. To better connect, try to get educated about teen culture, which has changed a lot since you were a parent the first time around.

For more information on raising grandchildren, or to find a local grandparents support group, log onto www.aarp.org/families/grandparents.

Dorothy is raising her 15-year-old grandson John because his parents are unable to care for him. He’s been living with her for a few months, and the tension has been building. John has resisted his grandmother’s attempts to set limits and is starting to openly defy her. 

DOROTHY:  John, we need to talk.

JOHN:  Yeah. What’s up?

DOROTHY:  I want to sit down with you and talk about setting some expectations for you and your behavior. I want us to do it together.

JOHN: Do we have to do it now?  I’ve got to go out.

DOROTHY:  Yes, it’s important to me. I know things have been difficult for you since you came to live with me. It’s not easy to be away from your parents, and to adjust to a new environment. I don’t want to be hard on you, but we need to set some basic ground rules.

JOHN:  Why do I have to listen to you? You’re not my parent. I should be able to do what I want.

DOROTHY:  I’m not your parent, but I’m your grandparent and I’m responsible for you. I’m only thinking about your well-being. You haven’t been answering to anyone, and that’s just not right.

JOHN:  I haven’t done anything that bad.

DOROTHY:  You haven’t been respecting me.  I ask you to be home at a certain time, and you come late. I ask you to do your homework, and you just play video games. You don’t listen to me.

JOHN:  Sometimes I just need to chill out.

DOROTHY:  I understand that. But we need to find some common ground here if we’re going to make this work. Do you respect me?

JOHN:  Of course.

DOROTHY:  I respect you, too, and I think if we remember that, it will make things a little easier on both of us. Let’s talk about expectations. What are some reasonable rules we can agree on?

JOHN:  I guess I can do my homework before I go out or play video games.

DOROTHY:  Sounds good to me. I also want to be clear that I expect no drug, alcohol or tobacco use. Do you understand?

JOHN:  Yes, ma’am.

DOROTHY:  In return, I’ll respect your privacy unless you give me a reason to suspect you might be getting into trouble.

JOHN:  Deal.