PARENTS ASK THE QUESTIONS
TheAntiDrug.com receives questions from parents and caregivers living all over the United States, dealing with all sorts of situations related to raising their teen. While personal scenarios may vary a little here and there, the following requests for help are common. See if you can identify with any of these concerned parents.
I suspect my teenage daughter is drinking. She has promised me that she is not drinking (and driving). When she comes home after being out with friends, I ask her about the odor on her breath and she tells me she's eating a peppermint, but I strongly sense she's eating a peppermint to cover up the smell of alcohol. I can't talk to her without her getting defensive about it, which is usually when she's guilty. HELP! How can I talk to her about this? She says I don't trust her!
Trust your daughter or trust your gut? If you sense that your daughter is drinking or using drugs, then err on the side of caution and approach her. However, the best time to do this is not when she’s coming or going from the house. Find a time, sooner rather than later, where you are both in a somewhat positive mood and there are no distractions. Avoid laying blame, and instead ask questions about what is going on in her life and listen carefully to her answers, who she’s hanging around with, etc. Here’s why—in general, girls are more likely than boys to use alcohol or drugs to improve mood, increase confidence, reduce tension, cope with problems, lose inhibitions or lose weight.
They are also especially susceptible to peer pressure when it comes to drinking. Adolescent girls are more likely than boys to drink to fit in with their friends. Try to figure out if any of these pressures are influencing her behavior. Tell her that you know she is drinking and what it can do to her. Express to her your concern for her health and safety, be firm in telling her that alcohol and drug use are unacceptable and inform her of what the consequences are if she breaks your family’s rule. In addition, help her figure out other ways of coping with stress and peer pressure. Check-in with her regularly and consistently ask questions about where she is going, who she is going with and when she will be back. Also, befriend her friends’ parents so you have a network of people who can help you monitor your daughter.
My stepdaughter has been drug-free for 6 months now. She has improved her grades and has been making positive changes, but we do have some concerns. She lives with her mom, and her mom is allowing her to go to a "rave" in a couple weeks. He dad and I don't approve of this. My stepdaughter said that she won't do any drugs while she is there, but we told her that someone could easily slip her something. In addition, we don't approve of unsupervised situations like that. We have also researched "raves' online a bit, and don't feel very good about her going. But we don't know what to do. How do we stop her mom from allowing her to go?
First, congratulations to your stepdaughter for staying drug-free for 6 months. For someone who has ventured down that dark road and lived to tell about it, that’s an accomplishment in itself. She sounds like she is doing well overall, and as a caregiver, I’d encourage you to continue to focus on the positive things she is doing. Help her build confidence and outlets to cope with the stressors in her life.
Second, you and your husband do need to have a conversation with her mother, and calmly discuss your concerns regarding this upcoming rave or any other similar social situations that may arise. The caregivers MUST be on the same page. Negotiate the types of social situations she can be in, such as a supervised get-together at a friend’s house. While you can’t lock her up and throw away the key, your stepdaughter’s reentry into various social scenes needs to be slow and carefully monitored, and trust needs to be reestablished. She’s learning to walk again…don’t ask her to run a marathon.
My 10-year old daughter is going through an anti-drug program at her school and dumbfounded me by asking if I had ever smoked marijuana. I felt the truth was necessary and told her I tried it once when I was 19-years old and that I regretted it. I told her if she was ever asked to try marijuana, to say no. But I also said that I wanted her to come to me and I would try to stay very calm if she was curious about it and thought about trying it. Did I do the right thing and if not how do I fix it?
So you got asked one of the most feared questions a parent can be asked…did you ever do drugs? Unless the answer is an unqualified “no,” it’s a difficult question. You were right to be honest. It shows that you love and respect your daughter. If you have done drugs in the past, you can tell the truth without appearing to be a hypocrite. Let’s face it—at some point in everyone’s life, we all wish we had refrained from doing something really stupid. The issue, however, is not your past, but rather your daughter’s future. You may think she is young, but the average age of first use for drugs like marijuana is 14. So, the key is to look at this moment as an opportunity to listen and to state firm rules and expectations that you don’t want anything bad for her—especially smoking, drinking and illicit drugs. Regardless of your own history with drugs, it’s your responsibility to set limits and tell her, “In this family drug use is not acceptable.” The fact is, girls have caught up with boys with regard to illicit drug and alcohol use, and in some cases, like cigarette smoking, have surpassed them. It’s a good idea to talk with your daughter about drugs, and establish rules and consequences before she is exposed to them. Here are a couple of short, direct responses that can help get you started:
“When I was a kid I took drugs because some of my friends did. I thought I needed to in order to fit in. We didn’t know as much as we do now about all the bad things that can happen when you smoke marijuana or use other drugs. If I’d known then about the consequences, I never would have tried drugs, and I’ll do everything I can to help you keep away from them.”
“Everybody makes mistakes. When I used drugs, I made a big one. I’m telling you about this, even though it’s embarrassing, because I love you and I want to save you from making the same stupid decision I made when I was your age.”
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